paying your dues..

how often do you feel guilty about things you’ve done..to yourself..to other people..for things you’ve never cared to do when you know you ought to..for not apologizing in circumstances calling for the all-too-nice-sincere remark of sorry..

are you the type who’d go out your way to explain your actions or should be misbehaviors just to appease whoever..or does your so-called pride always hinder you from being diplomatically nice and sweet and sensitive..and just let things be, no matter what the repercussions are..at least, you're holding true to your principles..

i guess i’ve grown enough from being naïve and kind to being frank and insensitive..the transition should not be hard to reckon..right, i still know my values well enough and i ain’t compromising them for cruelty’s sake..i just thought that many times, it is better to be hard and difficult a person than be easy and fragile.. in proper circumstances though..

when you think you’ve done any wrong..you’ll have your way of straightening things..as a human being should..and you won’t be needing coaches for it nor psychiatric intervention, believe me..you only need a dose of sensibility from a fellow human..

anyhow, the kharmic rule will have its way of repaying..the universe will always have its way of placing things into place..

that thing called love..

it remains a much-coveted mystery..yet no one has put it into words as beautifully and truthfully as this one right here..

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

On Love- from Gibran's The Prophet

cutting out throats legally..

our battleground..the classroom..should be..
our tools..a tower of books and photocopies..and some neat black signpen..the signpen matters more..
our weapons are no less our cranky brains..

it’s a strife out there..a fight..a battle..
more than the academic test of pen and paper..it’s a test of sheer wits..a test of patience and endurance..a test of character..

bouts of insanity..should be normal..the irony..when you’ve loads and loads of pages to chase, you’d nonchalantly mistake blue from green..when you’ve grueling sessions to partake in, you’d easily find refuge in the silliest and corniest jokes on earth..

out there is a neat bunch of animals..some coin themselves as the bold, the brave and the beautiful..others cow behind the lofty principles of law and justice..however they sport themselves, they’re really just one neat pack of loudmouths and airheads..there’s really a very thin line between a loud airhead and a silent airhead so to say..

at any point, i bet each one resorts well to being a cutthroat himself or herself..to adopt to the scheming and playful environment maybe..or just to kick some trouble in..then cutting each other’s throats is a way to get by..

didn’t i say.. it’s the only place advocating justice where there’s a lot of injustice..

one step..

it’s those little steps we take that take us where we ought to be..

a step or two can do wonders if we only dare to..but sometimes, our own littleness cripples us before we even plod..

i certainly want to take a turn..take a different course..deviate..properly or improperly, i could care less..just need to shift my path..and head somewhere..

where exactly..i don’t know..all i aspire is to be somewhere where my maddest thoughts would be tamed.. where that is, if it should ever exist, is where this fellow ought to be..

it’s enough that i’m slowly and softly realizing things i long could have paid attention to..maybe i did care to listen to my feebled senses for a time..but the latter simply couldn’t absorb much, moreso decipher enough..so i only had to let them through..and off they make their way..

i know that at this point, i need to make that drastic turn and take that one bold step..i have given enough for it and somehow, i should be braver than ever to do what is justly and sensibly right..if i could muster some strength..yet i should..

for this airhead who can’t seem to take that one step towards sheer emancipation, lightning should strike any sooner..

that one step..i ought to take..

hurdling through..

it’s such a relief..i say a pleasant relief..oh well, a really ecstatic and splendidly uplifting one..a natural high so i thought intertwined with my twisted mind that i once thought was too elusive..gone dry..emptied..broken into trivial bits..frozen with time..in my new haven's lingo -- held moot and academic.

at such a surprise, a pleasant surprise indeed..i have quite missed the torment of apathy. yes, it was an ordeal..challenging as it is..mind-draining as it is..emotion-vesting as it is..yet the highs countered with the lows were at its extremes..such that you need not ask or marvel no more for what it could and possibly offer still..

the fundamental law has it..the provisions will be your guide..your petty knowhows will turn lofty in a meager 2-3 hours of relentless headpounding, nervewracking, ego-tripping sessions..your convictions will be heard, tried, contested, rebutted, rejected, even labeled lunatic..but you hang on..you stand still..you stare straight heart and soul upfront the master with your unchartered basket of principles..you take the blows..brush off the sweat and savor your dire moment of fame..the faces around you neither look sympathetic nor cruel but you can tell all too clearly from those looks -- you smell fear as much..

you can feel the pain of your pen..the ink’s drying off before words unite to make any sense at all..and all that matters after is a finger gone swollen..

the moment transpires and whether you aced the game or screwed up in the most delibitating ways..the frustations never measure up with the laughs..the aftermath sensation lingers and such is brutally sweet..the relief is far more enduring and defining than the hardest blows there were...and comes the break! a sweet sigh of relief..

i seek no recompense..

for a while, i was badly in search of answers..i crave for them to come on a silver platter..but they never came..
’til my fragile senses..naive as they are..started knocking some hard core sense unto me..
i realized some things are just not really worth fighting for..at least now, i am starting to figure it well..
at least now, things have never been any quite clearer..at least now, i am more certain than i ever have been..an experience only it is and should be..

however it transpired..whatever i got out of it..how it opened my eyes and made me see things differently.. how it changed me maybe..or reduced me..or enlarged me..i could simply take in enough and understand and be radically content and happy..
there’s no room for defenses..lame excuses moreso..retaliation is futile all the more..only losers resort to any of these..though i may have been one myself..at least now, the issues are slowly getting resolved..in time, they will all become moot and academic..