the monster in me..

i am a peace-loving human being (and i’m hearing boisterous perks somewhere..) i am..i believe i am..

but times are not always how you’d normally cause them to unfold..much as you would want to do no harm..much as you would just nonchalantly (yet have a little due care still) let things be and let mundaneness do its routine madness..much as you would seem to be desperately brainfrozen by meekness and utter apathy --- the tendency to play it safe anyhow..some minds are really just too thick and chunky..

whatever is out there to be merry for (famous fairytale characters dancing your way)..

the thing is, i try hard..to hide the monster in me..that facet of my being that unleashes when my temper flares and my senses freak out..

i get mad pretty bad..i blow up pretty bad..but hey i always try to do it with some inch of class..i try at least..

only to fight..not to fight to cause hurt and induce pain..but only to fight to make a statement --- a really neat one..and knock some sense on senseless ego-busters..or simply-put, only to teach a nutty head some good ole grandma lesson..the kind that makes a crabby crab realize that the world revolves not just on its monstrous claws but on a million species of crawling and flying creatures too..

yes, i lost it again..but hey, i did justice on it..some people really need some growing up to do and a little taming on their jurassic manners..not that i ain’t in need of any though..but only because someone called and asked for it..i’d only have to give what was duly due then..

so while i am still trying to stand by my words and my act that one eventful moment of flare..i really need no anger management sessions..trust me..trust the monster in me..

motorela crimes..

after doing damage to jeepneys, the motorela a.k.a. pedicab, is the next victim in line..

once, i had 4 pesos..barely a peso short to pay..had to scamper through my messy bag, sifting through every pocket in it..nothing except two 10 centavo coins..and so i had to bargain with the driver..good gracious old man ‘manong driver’ didn’t let me off..i was only two blocks away anyhow, i would have sprinted my way to school..just in the nick of time for recitation..

another instance, my purse was badly empty..i only had bills..a hundred i reached to the driver..negotiating if he’d enough change for it, he started murmuring and blabbing in utter annoyance..i was not spared from manong driver’s lecture that night..in fact, i had a dose of it.. then again, i sauntered my way out the cab..

such a shame i couldn’t spare this minute traditional local transpo from my mischief..mindlessness..irresponsibility..

the offenses are indeed cuddling up..but is non-payment of fare a crime?! go figure..

having enough..

you wish you have more..but hey, don’t you have just enough..

a friend used to remind me every now and then that contentment is the only way to happiness..when you’re content with what you have and who you have, there’s hardly any room for lonely frustrating mood-sucking cravings..

to be happy is to be content..then again it is a state of mind..just as you can always choose to be happy..right, you can..then might as well start choosing to be content..

contentment is never complicated to begin with..it all starts and ends with a humble knowing that what you have is all you’ve got (at least, for the time being..) and being so, might as well make the dire most of what best you can maketh out of what’s in the palm of your hands..

and should you have more or less..what difference would there be..all the same, you will be glad about whatever is there..some or none, you’ll get by..

after a while..

after a while, you do learn and unlearn..and you do learn to unlearn..

you learn the lessons every stride of your journey is sending your way..
it does pay to listen..
you unlearn the ways that maketh you an inch lesser a human being..
well, at least you try..

the intricacies of things, you need not bother..
some are just there to distract you..
or make out the least and the worst in you..
mind you, it never really is worth the ear..

and you do learn to unlearn a fall, a pain, an ache..
sure it does take a while..sometimes a long while..
but the rewards of it are indeed worth a while..
sure you can learn to unlearn..

if it has been for a while now..
take a grip and start making that tiny step forward..
keep moving on and on and on..
til you’ve learned to unlearn..

somehow you’ll be surprised..amazed even..
by how hard you’ve been holding on..
by how much you’ve grown..
by that silent strength amidst it all..

the hate campaign..

there’s no point living in bitterness and hatred and madness and resentment..and i’ll never ever understand why it’s how most humans choose to live..

there’s not one or two or ten persons i’ve known who, in most instances, choose to live otherwise..

some walk with heads up high..deny their ‘loser attitude’ tendencies..desperately sporting the look that should stand by the façade ..they’d go day by day with the coolness and spunk and charms of an airhead..they’d say one thing and act another..they’d shout it out how in no way they’re bitter lasses and lads..yet a gesture or two, they turn out to be walking hypocrites on the face..

some do less talk..but actions do reveal more..then again, i’ve known and learned since kindergarten that actions speak louder than words..

and so where fiduciary relations are knitted with monetary value, i plead my case..my trust for others i’ve revoked a million times or so..

while everything around us practically comes with a price, i shouldn’t be trusting any more than i ever could..

pardon the cynic in me again..but i do not spare myself from the madness in my midst at all..even if i find it hard to swallow other’s disgusting behavior, i should try to curtail this hate campaign..before whatever more or less a havoc it can stir..

and desperately crave for justice all the more..

the stretch worth-stretching..

it's enough that you took the challenge head-on..it sure musn't have been that swift and easy..at least, you surfed it through or perhaps crawled your way through it..however you did it..with grace or an unkempt rowdy hair..would it still matter..you've been braver i am sure..

it's more than enough that you took every step of it with faith..sometimes, the efforts, when right and sincere are compensated fairly..they do..that i would take a bet on..

then i wouldn't be able to put squarely what it takes to ace the game..but i sure do know understand the power of hardwork..you only do reap the things you cared to sow..don't be such a nut not to get it..

and i can hear them all blabbing..it's really no sweat..just nosebleed!:>

paying your dues..

how often do you feel guilty about things you’ve done..to yourself..to other people..for things you’ve never cared to do when you know you ought to..for not apologizing in circumstances calling for the all-too-nice-sincere remark of sorry..

are you the type who’d go out your way to explain your actions or should be misbehaviors just to appease whoever..or does your so-called pride always hinder you from being diplomatically nice and sweet and sensitive..and just let things be, no matter what the repercussions are..at least, you're holding true to your principles..

i guess i’ve grown enough from being naïve and kind to being frank and insensitive..the transition should not be hard to reckon..right, i still know my values well enough and i ain’t compromising them for cruelty’s sake..i just thought that many times, it is better to be hard and difficult a person than be easy and fragile.. in proper circumstances though..

when you think you’ve done any wrong..you’ll have your way of straightening things..as a human being should..and you won’t be needing coaches for it nor psychiatric intervention, believe me..you only need a dose of sensibility from a fellow human..

anyhow, the kharmic rule will have its way of repaying..the universe will always have its way of placing things into place..

that thing called love..

it remains a much-coveted mystery..yet no one has put it into words as beautifully and truthfully as this one right here..

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

On Love- from Gibran's The Prophet

cutting out throats legally..

our battleground..the classroom..should be..
our tools..a tower of books and photocopies..and some neat black signpen..the signpen matters more..
our weapons are no less our cranky brains..

it’s a strife out there..a fight..a battle..
more than the academic test of pen and paper..it’s a test of sheer wits..a test of patience and endurance..a test of character..

bouts of insanity..should be normal..the irony..when you’ve loads and loads of pages to chase, you’d nonchalantly mistake blue from green..when you’ve grueling sessions to partake in, you’d easily find refuge in the silliest and corniest jokes on earth..

out there is a neat bunch of animals..some coin themselves as the bold, the brave and the beautiful..others cow behind the lofty principles of law and justice..however they sport themselves, they’re really just one neat pack of loudmouths and airheads..there’s really a very thin line between a loud airhead and a silent airhead so to say..

at any point, i bet each one resorts well to being a cutthroat himself or herself..to adopt to the scheming and playful environment maybe..or just to kick some trouble in..then cutting each other’s throats is a way to get by..

didn’t i say.. it’s the only place advocating justice where there’s a lot of injustice..

one step..

it’s those little steps we take that take us where we ought to be..

a step or two can do wonders if we only dare to..but sometimes, our own littleness cripples us before we even plod..

i certainly want to take a turn..take a different course..deviate..properly or improperly, i could care less..just need to shift my path..and head somewhere..

where exactly..i don’t know..all i aspire is to be somewhere where my maddest thoughts would be tamed.. where that is, if it should ever exist, is where this fellow ought to be..

it’s enough that i’m slowly and softly realizing things i long could have paid attention to..maybe i did care to listen to my feebled senses for a time..but the latter simply couldn’t absorb much, moreso decipher enough..so i only had to let them through..and off they make their way..

i know that at this point, i need to make that drastic turn and take that one bold step..i have given enough for it and somehow, i should be braver than ever to do what is justly and sensibly right..if i could muster some strength..yet i should..

for this airhead who can’t seem to take that one step towards sheer emancipation, lightning should strike any sooner..

that one step..i ought to take..

hurdling through..

it’s such a relief..i say a pleasant relief..oh well, a really ecstatic and splendidly uplifting one..a natural high so i thought intertwined with my twisted mind that i once thought was too elusive..gone dry..emptied..broken into trivial bits..frozen with time..in my new haven's lingo -- held moot and academic.

at such a surprise, a pleasant surprise indeed..i have quite missed the torment of apathy. yes, it was an ordeal..challenging as it is..mind-draining as it is..emotion-vesting as it is..yet the highs countered with the lows were at its extremes..such that you need not ask or marvel no more for what it could and possibly offer still..

the fundamental law has it..the provisions will be your guide..your petty knowhows will turn lofty in a meager 2-3 hours of relentless headpounding, nervewracking, ego-tripping sessions..your convictions will be heard, tried, contested, rebutted, rejected, even labeled lunatic..but you hang on..you stand still..you stare straight heart and soul upfront the master with your unchartered basket of principles..you take the blows..brush off the sweat and savor your dire moment of fame..the faces around you neither look sympathetic nor cruel but you can tell all too clearly from those looks -- you smell fear as much..

you can feel the pain of your pen..the ink’s drying off before words unite to make any sense at all..and all that matters after is a finger gone swollen..

the moment transpires and whether you aced the game or screwed up in the most delibitating ways..the frustations never measure up with the laughs..the aftermath sensation lingers and such is brutally sweet..the relief is far more enduring and defining than the hardest blows there were...and comes the break! a sweet sigh of relief..

i seek no recompense..

for a while, i was badly in search of answers..i crave for them to come on a silver platter..but they never came..
’til my fragile senses..naive as they are..started knocking some hard core sense unto me..
i realized some things are just not really worth fighting for..at least now, i am starting to figure it well..
at least now, things have never been any quite clearer..at least now, i am more certain than i ever have been..an experience only it is and should be..

however it transpired..whatever i got out of it..how it opened my eyes and made me see things differently.. how it changed me maybe..or reduced me..or enlarged me..i could simply take in enough and understand and be radically content and happy..
there’s no room for defenses..lame excuses moreso..retaliation is futile all the more..only losers resort to any of these..though i may have been one myself..at least now, the issues are slowly getting resolved..in time, they will all become moot and academic..

jeepney crimes!

manong, guilty po ako!

it wasnt twice or thrice that i actually missed paying for a jeepney ride. verdict: guilty beyond reasonable doubt! primary evidence: my testimony...this one right here...

i reckon one instance...couldn't hold my eyelids back...my eyes drooping badly...the next thing my senses could muster...i was walking along cocomall fiddling with the five peso coin...too late, the jeepney sped away...good for me, i saved myself five pesos then...nonetheless i feel guilty...apologies to the driver manong pasensya na po hehe

the second instance...i wasn't pseudodrunk this time...only iv no coins left in my purse...and my wallet..yes my wallet --- not empty i shouldnt lie about...iv a 500 peso bill in it...dont wanna create a fiasco inside the jeepney...lest wallow over some pieces of insult or sheer wisdom from the driver...i resorted to what i do best...that is, ignore! ignore the fact of my situation! and succumb to total oblivion...run run and run until you get away...but i didnt...instead i pretended...or say i acted which im actually good at hehe acted to the very core...stepped out of the jeepney graciously...sporting the look of a a commoner who just came off from work and bound for home (or maybe a kid who just came from school)...the konduktor ignored me in turn...and so i got away...then again...guilty of a crime! this time with clear intent to commit one though!

a criminal i am now:>

if..

there's nothing like wisdom very well-spoken..this poem can knock the hard nut out your buttered senses..an all-time fave no less..

[IF]

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you

But make allowance for their doubting too,

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or being hated, don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,

If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breath a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;

If all men count with you, but none too much,

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

--Rudyard Kipling

over and over and over i will reckon these subtle points..and have my life principles in track..enriched in manifold ways..

decoding matters..

the global warming hype..the food crisis streak..the growing terror..and the bouts of calamities worldwide..while we all wave hello to typhoon season in our own land.. seems like what me and my friend ‘s silly conversations about doomsday is begetting..eheh before I freak me and everyone out..i’m no wizardry nor a prophet half-baked to speak of things..just a frantic freak then again raging a war against my feebled senses..

yep..the signs seem to be everywhere..that’s what the olden days have taught us to be watchful for..and from then on we’ve been keeping our eyes open..did we..have we..are we..i really couldn’t care, even less..not when i’ve my own set of tormenting signs to decode myself..

right..my own semantics to deal with..seems like the universe is conspiring to deprive me a helping hand.. or a trudging foot even so (as such would have suffice..) but no help has seem to come my way..an elusive aid, i could tolerate..but not, when mind-bugging provocations come in really neat surprises.. the kind of those which leave you tounge-tied and awe-stricken like witnessing an asteroid heading down straight to a well-framed pit---like it was destined to fall right into it..the kind of those which make you wonder just how exactly the stars and the planets align themselves..and could they have conspired to shell me out these signs i’ve been desperately decoding these days and months.. is venus giving me a warm nod out there.. my plea: im no lunatic, just perhaps a victim of the crazy moon..

so it is? nothing that concerns the global warming phenomenon or one that would increase rice production in days..but it sure has twisted my senses like no other world-alarming event..
there’s this entity i’ve been beating myself out and wishing hardly to avoid and get rid of..and yes, i can’t seem to..seems like wherever I go, whatever I do, i have such an excess baggage to carry with me..but the load doesn’t ever come easy so I try and I try and I try and still no help is ever good enough..not when that entity seems to be everywhere (fair enough to say, it’s a really common one, it’s on webster’s list to begin with)..not when, even in the tiniest corner in the paper’s lifestyle section, it is in there..it just wouldn’t elude my crappy eyes..twice or thrice it happens, call it coincidence..but for twice or thrice in successive days or when you were just on the brink of rubbing off thoughts of it, then it comes popping like it was really made and sent off for a special mission (to annoy me), those really maybe some things..they must be signs..and i wish i had the power to decode them..but all i really have is a lunatic tendency..

i can’t decode but i can always have my way of knowing what it means..and i shouldn’t be needing psychic or extraterrestrial powers to understand each and every instance of it..

so while I get myself used to loving my signs of lunacy, I could choose to think of a million things to fancy about..for sanity’s sake..

hail to the magdalo soldiers..oopps or where has the kindred spirit for justice gone.. maybe just taking the easier way out.. so pardon as well my lunacy..